Not born to vacuum

Thought I'd do the right thing yesterday and clean the flat. Cleaning in one of my least preferred activities. Do not understand how anyone feels euphoric after removing limescale from a bathtub. Notwithstanding I dragged the vacuum cleaner out and began. It didn't last long. Within two minutes of sucking up two months worth of dust (Prat doesn't clean either) I thought, fuck it.

After letting my fingers do the trawling I found in the easily navigated Ham & High 04 colour pages a delightful little ad for Homeclean. Happy little picture of a bright yellow washing up glove with the quip "Why not let someone else do the dirty work", my sentiment exactly.

After speaking with Theresa for all of two minutes, begging her to send someone immediately - Maya appeared less than an hour later. Hallelujah. I immediately put Maya to work, following the less than grand tour of a grubby two bedroom flat; noting no words of "nonsense" as Maya surveyed the filthy nest I forewarned Homeclean it was. Three hours later Maya had removed all dust, grime, limescale, paper and other crap which somehow ends up inside one's home without notice.

Fortuitously Prat turned up about 10 minutes after Maya's exit. Sooooo glad I'd not wasted three hours of my time spicking and spanning. His only comment before plopping in front of the TV for a cosy evening With Botham and The Windies - "oh you've cleaned up a bit". My God, the place was sparkling. Not that I corrected him in his assumption.

Instead I picked his coat pocket for £20 quid - the cost of Maya's three hours, called her boss and booked her again for this morning. I'm now sitting at a dust-free laptop and basking in Maya's amazing handiwork. Today I asked her to organise for two hours. She's absolutely brilliant. Prat's wardrobe has never housed such neat piles of t-shirts, nor have single socks ever met their significant other. Can't wait to see if he notices - am almost willing him to come home early. Well maybe not, the test match is still on after all.

In case you were wondering I paid her today with the piles of loose change lying about. Prat has a thing about small change - it's no good you know. Seems to be a male thing - I've encountered it before. Hence there are hundreds of pounds in two, fives and ten pence pieces lying about - which Maya now has, weighing down her pockets (I wouldn't advise swimming) or else are waiting in jars ready for her next week's appointment.